justafreak.com  

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thoughts..
For those of you that remember me from sevensgw.com/knight know I kept a small journal log online. Well I decided to post those logs here @justafreak.com to share them with the world. Who knows I might even decide to start updating this journal again someday :) Well until then I leave you with the following passages written by me..simply click on the article you want to read to open it...

  • Back to the basics: Philosophy on life...
    • I live my life by the philosophy that we must live life to the extreme. I don't believe in regrets, because if we regret things we've done then we regret what we've become. What I mean is plainly this; if we hadn't gone through the experiences we've gone through then our lives would've taken a different course and we'd be different people. This is fate, not destiny. For those of you that don't understand the difference I'll try and explain. If you believe in destiny then you think we are predestined, or that our lives have already been mapped out. I believe differently, I believe that we meet people by fate, but are not predestined, we do things on happenstance but our lives are not mapped out. Take examples from my life like this one: I meet a girl, it was my choice to go ask her out, and her response was her decision. Though I do believe we all have a "soul mate" I don't believe in only one. I think we could just as easily mate with several people, not just one. I'm not talking about bigamy, because this is NOT sexual. I'm talking about odds here, see if we have more than one soul mate then are odds of finding one are great.
  • Back to the basics: Soul mate...
    • Soul mate…can there really be more than one? Well that is the question you just asked yourself isn't it? Well I have to believe it, if I didn't I'd be in trouble. Let me tell you a story: I grew up in a small town in the south after living in Philadelphia PA, I know this because my parents told me so. See I can't really remember all that much before the age of 12, that's when Heavenly died. I can't tell you much about her; I can't even describe her, because for whatever reason I can't visualize her face. Even five minutes after starring at her picture I couldn't tell you anything about her physical appearance. Heavenly was a friend of mine we grew up in the same neighborhood and rode bikes together played basketball and all kinds of stuff kids do. Remember I said I couldn't remember all that much, well I do remember everything she and I did together. She wasn't my girlfriend or anything I mean hell we were just kids, but she was a great friend, not just to me, she seemed to brighten up your day no matter who you were. I love her so much even still, because she was so cool. That and well I believe she was the first of my "soul mates" I ever met. When we were in the end of our sixth grade year [May 1990] she was on her way to church with her little brother and her mother. It was a Wednesday night and I remember my friends telling my at bible study that her car was hit by a drunk driver. Heavenly was thrown 37 feet through the windshield of her moms car, she died on impact

  • Back to the basics: I cried..
    • I cried, and I cried, for three entire days I cried until I stopped and for six years I didn't cry again. It's not that I didn't want to cry or was "too macho" to cry, I just couldn't. I remember the day I cried, it was a Sunday morning on my way to church, but I never made it to church. I stopped by my grandmother's apartment because we couldn't reach her by phone and had gotten worried. When I got there the TV was playing so I figured nothing was wrong so I knocked on the door…no answer…so I knocked again…. no answer again. Finally I unlocked the door and I found my grandmother sitting in front of the television. She was cold as ice and I didn't know what to do, so I called her help line thing. I began to cry and continued for over an hour, I was sad that my grandmother died, but I think the biggest reason I cried was because I was helpless. I've been trained in first aid and in CPR, yet I couldn't do anything to help my "MOM-MOM." I have cried since, it's quite nice to cry, at things. I cried when I saw the movie Titanic, I cried at the end of a lot of movies in fact. I even rented old movies that I wanted to cry at the end but couldn't before.
  • Back to the basics: When to cry..
    • I wish you could understand what it's like to never cry. It's hard to show compassion, it's hard to be taken seriously in a serious situation. See when you show the emotion and don't cry you come across as a sarcastic asshole. I'm happy to cry and you should be too, don't hold it back. I know it's not always the "COOL" thing to do, but you might some day be unable to cry and then you'll understand why I tell you to cry when you can. Things happen in life that we don't always understand, sometimes we blame ourselves and sometimes we blame others. Let's not blame and just get through whatever situation comes our way.
  • Back to the basics: Do things happen for a reason?
    • That brings me to the question: "Do things happen for a reason?" Well to answer that think about this; why is it when something good happens it's by God's blessing, but if something bad happens then "GOD moves in mysterious ways." By those two comments I believe we've already answered that question. The answer is NO. Things happen by fate yes I think so, but for a reason, no. GOD knows what will happen to us through out the course of our lives, however he doesn't control it. Understand? Well okay look at it this way; you're in a helicopter and you see a mountain tunnel for trains. On the east side you noticed a train enter the tunnel and on the west side, you see another train enter the tunnel. Now obviously you know the outcome, the trains will collide. Did you control this situation? No. So I do not believe things happen for a reason, or not at least a humanly understandable reason. I do believe in Divine Intervention, which as you can see by my own rambling on that I'm not completely sure on the subject.
  • Relationships: A Break from the Continuum..
    • Well the last few thoughts were pretty much a continuum, but this one is going to take off on a new tangent, relationships: What do men seek in women, what do women seek in men. Those can both be tough questions, but I think I know what men want in women. Most men want a caring loving person that will take care of their every last need, but never complain about anything at all. IS IT 1984 ALREADY? WAKE THE F**K UP GUYS. Women were not put on this planet to serve our every need, and their not here to just care and love us. Women are here for us to love and care for and take care of. We as men need to understand that women need that moment of cuddling after sex, and it's not about conversation, it's about loving. See guys sex is sex what makes it love is the before and the after. What most men don't understand, unfortunately, is that women need that cuddles to make them feel wanted and to make them understand that we really do love them, not just want to "boink" them. The door goes both ways too, you see guys, it's not enough just to do the foreplay and cuddling you have to mean it as well, and you should. Don't be ashamed for the need of a good hug and a kiss. Believe it or not sometimes it a good thing to just cuddle for hours without even engaging in a sexual act. Though most of the time cuddling ends up in sex it doesn't mean is always has to. What most men don't understand about women is basically everything. Now whose fault is that, women's? NO dumb ass, trust me if you ask a women what she wants, she'll tell you exactly what she wants to a tee. Women have what they want in a man down to a science and men just want a women period. Guys set your level of standards higher, because a meaningful relationship is much more rewarding than just occasional or even frequent sex.
  • Relationships: More on that..
    • More on that. I personally try hard to do anything and everything to make women happy, most men call this being whipped, but I see it differently. As a show of hands how many of you so-called men that swear you've never been whipped have been in a relationship lasting a fair amount of time? A month? A year? Need I go on? I don't think so. See I understand what women want, all women. I know that's saying a lot, but it is true. I understand the basics and what I don't know about my girlfriend, I will simply ask her. See it really is that easy. I know what you guys are thinking, this guy is a virgin, well to be honest, even though that is a bit personal, and I am not a virgin. Now I may not be the "JOCK" type like I used to be, and it's true I may not be a "looker," but I'll guarantee that I can deliver where it counts. THE HEART. You thought I was going to brag about my sex life huh? Well no I could, but I wont because it would undermine everything I just said. I LOVE WOMEN PERIOD. That is the honest truth and I know that when I finally find that special women that will totally complete me in a way like no other women has or ever could. I will be able to treat her like she is supposed to be treated, a goddess. Yup a goddess, because as a man I'm not truly worthy of her existence, yet she has chosen me to live with and love forever, and for that I will thank her.
  • Relationships: Oh yeah one more thing..
    • Oh yeah, there was one more thing I forgot to talk about. What do I want in a woman, I figured while I was at it I'd tell you some of the personal aspects of my "dream date." I think I already exactly what that person is like. She's like me only female; see I want a woman with a sense of humor, a brain that could kill on Jeopardy and a soul that could fill a room. I want a woman that will love me and hold me not be afraid to disagree with me, I love to debate. I want what I feel is the perfect women, and she does exist. I've met some candidates for the part, but I'm a bit shy when it comes to facing that initial point of contact myself. Once I get involved with a women I can talk for hours at a time, and before I get involved with a women if we're friends I can do the same. My only problem is that I'm blind to the women that like me. Example: My freshman year in high school I had a crush on this girl in my Algebra class, her name was Julie [no last names here] and I found out my freshman year in college, after she was married, that she had a crush on me and wanted to go out with me so badly. This has happened to me on more than one occasion. Every time I think a girl likes me I'm wrong, and every time I think there could be no interest I'm wrong. You know what all the difficulty it's hard to believe humans procreate at all, let alone at such an accelerated rate. The "mating ritual" is so cumbersome and impossible that sometimes I think why try, and then I remember one thing. My "dream date" is still out there and if I give up looking she's going to settle for someone else.
  • An apology: To whom it may concern..
    • An apology: To whom it may concern...snce I don't really want to project an actual name and the party knows who they are. Anyway; To whom it may concern I apologize for not understanding why it was you left. I'm still confused and none of it still makes any sense to me, but I know the past is irreversible. I would like to start over and just be friends since I can't be your boyfriend, for a few reasons. One is the fact I don't think you even want me as your mate, and the other is that I don't believe I could ever want you like that again. However I would like to maybe someday patch up our relationship on a personal level. I'd love to hear how you're doing and how you feel. I want to know that things are going well for you and that even though your life may have taken a few bad turns you'll be okay. I'm sorry for whatever it was that made you leave in the first place, whether it was actually my fault or not, I'm still sorry. Please accept this peace offering as my humble gratitude for what we did have. Even though we will never be together again, I wouldn't trade the good experiences we had for the world. You taught me so much about life while all along I was supposed to be the one teaching you I guess we were both kids :) I learned so much I don't think I could actually thank you enough. I learned what it is women really want and what they need, even when they don't say it so clearly. I learned I smell like sex :) and that can have it's good points and bad. I learned that I'm really not that bad, though I mess up a whole hell of a lot. Again I'm sorry and more importantly thanks for being whatever it is that makes you, you. I wont mention your name, not because of fear, but for respect, I know that you and those close to me will know exactly who I'm referring to in the letter to my journal. I felt compelled to tell you this because…well I don't know why to be honest…just because I guess :) Good-bye, you are a page in my history that I will remember till I die so I may as well remember you for the good and not the bad.


    • If you feel the need to respond, e-mail me or pick up a phone.

  • Incoherent Babble: Take seven random..
    • Take seven random thoughts, roll them around in my head for awhile and the following passage might fall out :) I've never talked about my brother have I? Well I don't really know what to say, he died before I was born. My birthday is in December and so is his so it's always been a weird time when December rolls around. It's birthday time and time for mom to get a little weirder that she already is. I don't mean that wrongly or anything, but she's gotten pretty bad over the last five years. [Since she discovered the Internet] It's a little ironic because she was pissed when dad bought me a computer then more pissed when I convinced him to get Internet Access. Then within only months I had to build a computer just so I could use one, she'd invaded mine. I hate that my mother is obsessed with the Internet, and I don't even know if my dad's obsession [I can't say what it is…he might read this] is because of her Internet thing or if the Internet is her escape from his obsession. It's unhealthy and to be honest, my sister agrees, I can't understand why they are still married. It doesn't seem logical to me. I'm not trying to wish bad things on my parents but I just don't get it. I moved out of my parent's house because I needed space and I couldn't handle living in such a lie. My parents don't hate each other I believe there is still love, but no communication, and a strong lack of compassion makes for a bad marriage in my opinion. I don't know maybe it's because they are from the Ozzy and Harriet era when divorce was such a bad word you' be considered satanic for even saying it. But that doesn't make sense since they both know I've had an active sex life and that didn't bother them. They are fairly liberal in most cases. I know this hasn't made much sense, but it helps me to write down random emotions sometimes. Even if the incoherent babble means nothing to you it means that I've become one step closer to staying sane :)
  • Incoherent Babble: Irony, A Powerful word
    • Irony. That is the most powerful word in the world. You know what I mean if you've ever been victim to a truly ironic event. Let's say you try to teach someone to stand up for themselves and do their own thing, and you end up being the on they stand up to first. It happened to me once. Irony is not what is described in the Alanis Morrisette song, the stuff she sings about isn't ironic, it just sucks, hitting "a traffic jam when; you're already late," doesn't constitute irony. I have respect for irony, plain and simple, it can be devastating in some cases believe me. Irony is pretty well summed up by any event in your life when you knew the outcome would be anything but one certain thing. The outcome ended up being that one certainty. Funny huh? Yeah irony is often funny, but we don't always see it that way at first. I know I didn't, the first time my life had truly been ironic I was so mad I couldn't breathe right, couldn't see straight and It took me almost a full year to comprehend the total weight of the situation. Even now I look back and can't believe it happened the way it did. Irony does that to you, you can't see it coming and even after you assess the issue, you still can't see where it came from. Oh well enough ranting about that :)
  • Memory: How many phone numbers..
    • How many phone numbers can you remember? Go on write'em down I'll wait. Pretty cool huh? It amazes me sometimes how well our minds retain so much information, and yet when we need the recall the important stuff we look like a damn deer caught in the high beam of a truck. This is crazy, why can't I remember who I am, where are the twelve years I lost of my life, and why do they mean so much to me, it was the first twelve years and I've got a lot of good memories since. Well whatever the reason those lost memories are important to me. It's hard not being able to remember the friends you left behind when you moved away from your first home. It's tough not being able to remember all those fun childhood events that helped mold you into what you've become. I wouldn't trade my new experiences for anything, but I do wonder if I would be in the same place in my life if I had those "other" memories. Would I think the same way, would I want the same things, would I have meet the same people and talked to the same people the same way? I would hope so, but what if that wasn't the case and I wouldn't have become who I was today? Would that be a good thing or a bad thing? Hell I don't know, I'm afraid to even seriously ask that question in fear that some divine being would grant my wish and start my life over with all those memories intact.
  • Memory: Would you go back..
    • Would you go back in time to save someone's life? Not as easy of a question as it sounds. What if by saving that person's life you spin off a whole new chain of events that could destroy many lives including your own. Freaky huh? Well think about it, this is the reason I have no regrets. Go back in time to a point in your life you want to change desperately, and change it in your mind. Now begin to think what chain of events wouldn't happen in your altered would or worse yet what new chain of events would happen. It's a scary thought to think that just one moment in time could change the course of our lives infinitely. But it is true because everything we do directs our life towards a new goal, a new finish line. What if you went back in time to change that strike out to a home run the ninth inning? Doesn't seem like much, but even something like that could have made you miss the opportunity to share you love with the people you've been with. Wow, to think a whole new life, do I really want that, do I really understand what that means? Honestly, no. I'll admit I've done some stupid things in my life and I've been humiliated before, but I could never change that. I'll even admit in one case I think I let one of my soul mates marry someone else. Do I regret not trying to peruse that relationship? Would I change that? The answer is still no. I would never jeopardize what my life has now just to go back and change any small part of my life.That brings me back to those memories. I do wish I could remember what my childhood gave to me. I remember in the eight grade my teacher asked my to do an autobiography. I got my mother to write it because I didn't know where to start; I only had two years worth of memories, a birth certificate and a social security number. So yes even though I wouldn't change anything in my past to retrieve my lost memories I still want them.
  • Censorship: The king of all media..
    • Censorship: The king of all media. I can't believe this tobacco act bullshit, I mean if we're really going put a foot down, where is the foot up the alcohol companies asses. Collectively we as a nation are way to F**KING spoiled, we will sue people at the drop of a hat or hot coffee, and we think that all of us are so damned right that the world needs these things and those rules and on and on and on. Personally I am all for restricting tobacco to minors but they still drink don't they? And marijuana isn't really the "Start-UP" drug is it? Please think about that statement, what do most "pot-heads" have in common before they started smoking pot. I'll bet most of them drank, but that's not a startup drug since it's legal right? We censor television and our children still know what a "_______" is. [Fill-in the blank] We don't do enough in our own little world, in our homes, and then when our children fall short of our expected goal then it's the whole worlds fault not the child's and no way in HELL could it be the parents fault. People have we really come to the point in this world that we can't think for ourselves anymore that we have to put a F**KING V-Chip in our tv set. If you don't like what's on, then TURN IT OFF. Well holy shit that was hard now wasn't it. Believe it or not you can control your children and believe it or not, you can think for yourself, and believe it or not it is WRONG to sue for four million dollars because your dumb enough to spill hot coffee on your crouch. And yes out legal system is just twisted enough to pay off on shit like that. If I'd been the judge in that case, I think I would have laughed that women out of the court room. Lets all try and get along, and while we're at it lets loosen the reigns on censorship, not so much so it's out there again, but more so that this country once more becomes what it used to be; FREE.
  • Death: One dies and many sorrow..
    • Sometimes it's hard to help a friend cope with the death or serious injury/illness of someone that you don't know. I do commend those that try and understand the pain a person goes through in those times of sorrow. You know what I hate though; I was talking to a friend of mine the other day and she made a point that I truly believe and agree with, and have thought myself at times. Why is it when someone dies, he or she all of the sudden has nine million best friends. I'm not trying to be an ass or anything but if I didn't know John Doe why on earth would I pretend to just because he's dead now? Sound a little dumb doesn't it, yet everyday all across this great world people do just that. Want examples? Well OK; I remember a guy that died my freshman year in high school that I do remember, but only by name and face. He was a senior and I'd never talked to him nor did I know anything about him. I remember girls and guys all sad that he was gone that I knew he had never known. That doesn't make any sense at all.
  • Death: A little more on that..
    • More on that, I resent when it's a friend of mine that dies and people I know didn't know who she was and yet they feel compelled to play some stupid pity party game of emotions. It's hard enough for me to cope with the death of family and friends without having to deal with retarded assholes that pretend they knew my family or me. I don't mean to sound bitter and I just wish people could learn, especially guys, you should do stuff like that. I say especially guys because they are always around preying, err I mean playing [Freudian slip there] on a woman's emotions during times of pain like a damn game. Lets see who can get laid first. It sounds less pathetic that it really is trust me it's much worse to see than just hear about. I know this is more of a rambling ranting rave to no avail, but I felt the need to say it anyway. I feel bad when a friend of mine looses someone, but I don't want pretend to know that person. I just let my friend know that as much as I possibly can I will try to understand what they are going through and try to help them in any way possible.
  • Over qualified: What the hell does that mean anyway?
    • Over qualified: What the hell does that mean anyway? I'm currently looking for work and I keep getting the over qualified speech from everyone I interview with. Well I have to eat too you know. Then when I finally found a job that suited me in an IS department for the Associates [yeah I'll tell you who they are] they decide they didn't have the time to properly train my for my position even though I knew what I was doing and they said that after a full nine hour day of work. So my one whole day there was fine till I got the phone call "terminating my assignment" even before I got home. So am I supposed to be a dumb ass so I can at least so some work, why is it that I'm either too qualified or not qualified enough for every damn job on the market. Sorry about this rant guys, I was just curious if anyone else out there has had the same experiences.
  • Spam: It's not just for diner..
    • Welcome to a new era of electronic information. Welcome to hell. What's up with the Spam anyway? I hate junk mail and now with improved programming we can Spam 90 million people in less than 60 seconds. YEAH. I'd like to hunt the asshole down that wrote the first bulk mailer program for windows. Nothing is sacred anymore, my Hotmail account is flooded with get rich quick schemes, buy a degree, porn and refinancing emails. Even the ICQ network is getting to be a pain in the ass. I love to hear from new people on ICQ but what kills me are the messages that are Spamming. I mean have we come to such a low that we can't even leave the poor old Instant messengers alone anymore. My favorite emails are the ones that say you were sent this e-mail UNSOLICITED because you previously agreed to these types of messages. In a word…everyone say it with me "BULLSHIT." I don't remember saying okay to getting emails that would make me rather shoot myself than have to see or read. I know that you think the same way, so I say lets all try and figure out a way to stop spamming…OK?
  • Spam: Damn, I almost forgot..
    • Did I stop that conversation already? Damn, I almost forgot one important type of Spam. Does anyone recall their e-mail being berated by letters of absolute stupidity? I remember the e-mail about a little boy that was going to get a liver transplant just because I helped send his stupid ass message over cyberspace, or the letter from Microsoft saying that everyone who sent this message would be paid astronomical figures of cold hard cash, or better yet that letter about GOD taking away your air supply unless you send this on. Well okay I made the last one up, but you get the point right? People please don't send this crap across the one of the greatest inventions of the 20th century. I'm referring to the Information Super Highway, it's a good thing the founding fathers of the Internet are still alive, because if they were dead they'd be rolling in their graves.
  • Love letters: Can I get semi-emotional?
    • Love letters: Can I get semi-emotional? Well I was cleaning through some stuff last night, looking for some gear for a DJ event I have this weekend, and I found my box 'o cards. This is the box that I've stored most of my birthday and Christmas cards etc., but also the box in which all those cards from ex-girlfriends reside. I remember one series of card the girl I was dating used to spray some of the same raspberry perfume she wore so that I'd feel closer to her when I read it. Some of those cards are more than two years old now, and I'm not sure if it was still there or it was my mind playing tricks on me, but I could still smell her on the letters she wrote. It was then I realized that it wasn't my fault she left, it really wasn't something I did. I wish you could have read through these "love letters" she sent me. We lived far enough away that we didn't see each other much and so we talked on the phone all the time. And when she didn't call she sent me a card with a "love letter" inside. Before her I'd never been given a love letter of any kind, I mean sure girls sent me sweet notes on cards and passed those cute infatuation letters on high school, but these are truly love letters by every definition. I don't mean to sound sappy, but I really enjoy going back through those to read them again now and then, especially at 3:30am when I can't sleep.
  • Daily Journal: I never kept the traditional journal..
    • Daily Journal: I never kept the traditional journal like most that kept one at all. Mine was more like what you've been reading all along these past few weeks here online. I would just sit down and write about infatuations I had, the first time I had sex and the first time I almost had sex with a friend of mine that I didn't even think I liked that much. I rarely dated my entries and here I only separate them by month, but it's more important to me that I have these memories written down. If I ever loose my memory again I want to at least have some sort of manuscript of my life on paper that all can read, especially me. I probably read these entries more than anyone in the world. I just like to go back and reread them to see if there are any other points I mean to make but didn't, and to see if those opinions of mine are still the same. I really encourage everyone to keep some sort of journal at least for the important stuff. Journals don't need to be everyday, I only make entries in my personal journal once or twice a week. The reason I keep an online version of my journal is because I know who ever reads this can learn something
  • Adults: The heart of a child..
    • I was talking to a friend of mine and she gave me the perfect idea for this next entry. Why do children play, but when they become adults they forget to have fun. I try to be fun and energetic whenever possible. It may help because I'm still "so young" but I know for a fact, adults can be fun too. My late grandmother was cool and fun she played organ and sang in a lot of bars and lounges in her time. So why do we think we must have less of a child's heart in order to assume responsibility and grow as people. I love to play with kids, and be a kid. I think we all need to be children at heart, its more than just playfulness too you know. A child has an honesty that I admire, it may be blunt and it might be a little too frank for some situations, but at least they don't lie like most adults. Ask a child if he like the dinner aunt "Jane" cooked and if he didn't like he'd say it was bad. OK, now as an adult the same question and no matter what the answer is, "It was fabulous." Next time you out somewhere do an experiment and act a little childish and I'll bet you'll laugh at least once.
  • Thanks: Oprah
    • Oprah, yeah THE OPRAH…is pretty cool. I watch her show as much as I can and I love her topics and her Angel Network, which by the way is a good cause and deserves a donation. But anyway, the reason I started to talk about Oprah is because people like her and Rosie O'Donnell are the part of what's left to talk show television. It kills me to see some of the people on TV anymore, I wont name names, not to protect them or anything but more so because the list would run for pages and pages. I love to watch Oprah helping the people she helps and she always amazes me with her remarkable guests like the Disney Millennium Dreamers she had on last season. Where does she find these people, they are so cool and it's so nice to see people on TV doing good things. I would love to talk to Oprah to just say thanks for doing such a wonderful show. I'll never get to do that so I figured I'd just say thanks here in my journal.
  • Thanks: I would like to..
    • Speaking of thanks…I would like to take this opportunity to say THANK YOU to all the people that have sent me emails about this web page. Your words are always warm and kind and I still can't get over the response someone like me has been given. I really appreciate the letters of kindness and hope to keep filling your proverbial cups with random thoughts from my collection of private philosophies and rants. Again thanks for reading my entries and I want everyone to know that these are real. All of my entries are either experiences in my life or just my personal thoughts about life and stuff. I use the word stuff because it's pretty much an all-encompassing word. Again…. Thanx
  • That's great: For a girl..
    • That's great: For a girl. [Sorry for the title...but it got your attention, didn't it?]A friend of mine kept saying that every time I told her she'd done a good job at something. She would look at me and say, you mean for a girl right? NO I meant that was good, I could care less if you have boobs or balls, it was good. See the world has already gotten to this child and taught her that even though she might excel at many things that she's only doing good "for a girl," or "for someone so young." This is sad, and I can't believe that we as people haven't figured out yet that no matter what race or sex we are all judged by the same standard. So when I say, "That was really good, or that was awesome," remember that I meant it as a compliment. I have a hard time understanding people like that, like my old band director told a boy that he couldn't play the flute because it was a girl's instrument, so that boy never played band. What if he could've been on of the best in the world, but is now crushed down by some fat ass, overbearing, brainless, heartless, retarded, racist, ignorant, good for nothing asshole of a high school band director. I didn't like him, if you couldn't tell. But I'm not talking about him so I'll go on. I wish people would look at other people like we do online. The Internet knows no age, race, creed, color, sex, or anything else. The Internet gives us pure unadulterated knowledge and power to be whatever we want to be without reason to second-guess ourselves.
  • Well it's been a while..
    • Well it's been a wile since my last update…Life has been good to me, but unfortunately it's also made me very busy. I'm posting this message as a personal history over the last few months. Well I started my new job at Midwest Micro in October just after running the sound stage at the Annual Apple Festival in Erwin, TN. So let me put a little prospective in place. I've been running nonstop since the first of October. For those of you that have e-mail me in the past few weeks and didn't get a reply, I apologize. Before I could finish my letters out, my hard drive crashed and I didn't have a new enough backup of my e-mail. I lost most of January's mail. So if you wrote me and didn't get a response, please write again.
  • Christmas was pretty good..
    • Well Christmas was pretty good except for the fact I missed a few people I wanted to visit back home. My New Year looks to be filled with many long but reward filled roads. I'm working on a lot of new business ideas with several people and investors so I'm not sure where I'll be in six months, which is kewl by me anyway. I'm seriously thinking of revamping my site with a new style so e-mail me with ideas; let me know what would make the read more enjoyable. Tell me what style you'd like to see here. On a more personal note, I feel great, even though my job forces long hours and sometimes it pisses me off, I'm pretty much at peace with myself. I'm lucky to be in the position I'm in at this point in my life. I'm only 23 years old and yet already I've experienced so man things. I thank god and I thank my friends for the life I've been given. I hope not to fall off on my posts again. Hopefully I'll get enough time to get more content here. Until then Oeuvre, that's French for Auf Wiedersehen.
  • Expletive Deleted…
    • Expletive Deleted…Or at least that's what they'd say on TV if I was interviewed about the events on 09.11.01. I'm not sure what was and is going through the Terries mind when he or she decided to prove some point by obliterating the symbol the world's economic power. People are relating this to Pearl Harbor, and though I understand why people think I wish people would think about Pearl Harbor first:

      The world was already at war, Japan didn't disguise them, it was a strategic military strike and they used their own military planes to carry out that attack. The attack, however, on the World Trade Center Twin Towers was a hennas act of cowardly violence that has no previous precedent. I'm still in shock over the events of last week and am only now starting the second phase of emotion: ANGER! I'm all for bringing those responsible to justice, but I'm afraid that we are so ready for war that we haven't thought about the deprecations that war can and will bring. I worry about nuclear retaliation and biological warfare used in our very back yard. I still want justice though and as you can see I'm just as confused as the rest of you as what to think.

      My heart goes out to the families and friends of all the victims in last weeks events from New York and Washington DC. I hope and pray that we all get through this and become stronger as a nation and as individuals.
  • Token Friends Faze I...
    • The Token friend..you know what I'm talking about right? The token friend is the guy/gal that no one really likes so you make fun of them constantly behind their back and talk civil to their face. UGH!!!!!!! How obviously stupid is that really? I've got a friend that doesn't know he is for the most part a token friend of a group I hang with. Recently I've spoken up while he wasn't around and voiced my opinions about us talking about him behind his back because it is really pissing me off. It's almost like we get some sick twisted pleasure out of talking about him and how "FILL IN BLANK" he is. This is so udder ridiculous that it kills me to think we are so shallow minded that we can't help but refer to this guy all the time. Our minds are consumed with this complete and total bullshit and it needs to stop.
  • Token Friends Faze II…
    • Now with that said I move on to faze two of this particular rant fest. I have friends that used to be able to tolerate my behavior patterns and when they couldn't they told me I was being an ass and that if I didn't stop they'd hit me or whatever. See 'm the type of person to respond well to such words....I may not stop my current flow of actions but I wont take personal I'm pissing you off. Well over the past few months for reasons I can't explain, won't explain, or just don't know about my friends...one in particular has stopped telling me when I get on his nerves. Now see this is a big problem because now he uses other methods to let me know I'm getting on his last nerve. Examples of this would be not talking to me, I mean not talking all together no chit chat little BS talking or small talk of any kind. Then there are the bad metaphors he uses to describe other situations that either didn't exist or if they did were not like his story to get the point across he's pissed at me. The last which is my favorite by far is.....I tell him I wont apologize he said I didn't ask for one we are cool and then turns around and asks for one on his blog...Ok now explain this man, if you want me to apologize why don't you ask? F**K this shit...I say deliver me from friends that don't communicate....
  • Token Friends Faze III…
    • So that brings me to faze three of this rant.....So if I'm pissed me asked me to say I'm sorry online and I'm writing this in my journal (which will end up online) isn't that hypocritical....HMMMM? Well no because I will talk to him about this personally days before I post this online. I will practice what I preach....I will tell you what I think though lately I've for some reason myself not told full truths...NO I have not been lying...I refuse to lie but I've admittedly not told the entire truth to a few people...That is changing quickly...F**K this shit...I say deliver me from friends that can't wont be honest with me....And there you have it, the root to this entire rant. I rant a lot and I get pissed now and then but I don't tend to get pissed at people on a personal level. I will rant in the direction of a person much like I am doing now but I never intentionally rant at someone. So this all boils down to a friend of mine taking shit personally that he should not have and he knows it. Plus now that he has he won't tell me to my face...man that's what pisses me off so now I am mad at someone on a personal level and that's just not me. So that makes me madder...It's a viscous cycle I'm guessing.....

      So what now? HMMM..I know how about Another Rant...
  • Another Rant…
    • For some reason that helps me flow into this rant...I'm the type of person that if I'm single I don't care to see people in a relationship I figure well for them. Well apparently someone I know isn't that way. He says he is but he obviously is the jealous type.....I'm not sure how to talk about this with him because this will come across as a personal attack. He and I had a small discussion about this a few weeks ago and he admitted to being slightly jealous of my relationship with Terri. I true him for a loop when he told me some of the advice he gave me was probably was a little bad because it had been jaded by this jealousy...I looked at him and said yeah I know, haven't been using any of the advice you gave me..been watching out for myself for the most part. Now in his defense he is pretty messed up because he's going through some weird stuff in his life which brings me to the following passage:

      I am so incredibly pissed off at a certain female in his life that has done (in my opinion) some pretty shitty things. I am pretty sure she knew his exgirlfriend was cheating on him...She may deny it but she knew. That pisses me off; she is coming from the view point that is her business to tell him because she knew he'd be pissed at her for pointing it out. Now even if that were true he had the right to know didn't he? Yes...that just pisses me off. Now to top that off he is in a situation where he finds himself falling in love with her (a married women) which goes basically against everything he stands for. His head is all messed up now because he wants to tell her he loves her, and he doesn't want to tell her at all. He finally got around to asking me about the situation and I basically told him I thought she was a total bitch for putting him through this bullshit. I'm not sure he can see the entire situation being that he is in it and all but I really think she's playing him. I think that because she is fairly unhappy with her marriage and he is good to her child. So I think she is looking for a replacement for her husband....she puts him through these mind game tests and I think she is being a child for doing it. She doesn't know I'm pissed at her because I wont say anything to her about it until he has that discussion with he...I'm trying to respect him but going to him and not her. I'd like to give her a piece of my mind though! I won't get anymore into detail but that just about covers why I'm pissed at her...
  • When Women Become Chicks [PART ONE]…
    • The one thing that pisses me off over everything else is a guy hitting a woman, with that said the second most thing that pisses me off is a guy that f**ks around on his woman. Now with that said I'm gonna seethe a little bit. Does it make me an asshole for loosing respect in a chick (chicks are women I have little to no respect for) if she is cheated on but continues to want that person. Ok first of all what the hell is the guys problem when he has the love and companionship of a smart attractive women that he goes out and marks his f**kin territory everywhere else? Secondly does it make the woman that takes this douche bag back a bigger jackass than he? Let sit and have a quandary about that fact for a minute? Who deserves who here? I mean if he can mess around and get away with it why not; damn apparently I missed that day in special-ed when god gave out brains. Why is it that I can only keep a girl if I treat her like utter shit? Why is it that I'm kind and tender and people say that's great yet it never seems to pay off? Now you ask is this guy depressed. Umm….NO! I'm just a little pissed off right at the present.
  • When Women Become Chicks [PART TWO]…
    • Why is humanity so systematically f**ked up that women seem to crave the attention that is both unhealthy to mind but body as well. Why do beautiful women have no self-esteem, and more importantly why the hell can't a decent guy prevail just once lord? It really doesn't have to be me that wins but for f**ks sake why the hell do men that are complete shit asses always get the girl? Why am I always the dumb shit in the middle? You know the guy that helps a woman get confidence and a constructive attitude just so she can find a man? WTF…dammit I'm a man…Jesus do I have to spell everything out? Who the hell am I and who the f**k are you to gaze at me like that then turn around and do something so unreservedly retarded, that you necessitate your intelligence to be retested. Where have all the intellectual women gone? Why am I lost in a world of asshole guys and women that hurl them damn selves at them? Why can't I just be a dick like everyone else and get a girl or three? Shit it seems to work for more or less all the guys I am acquainted with. Indubitably it should work for me…Then I remember I'm the way I am for the reason that it makes me into what I will become and as god as my possible only witness I will prevail over the sea of bullshit and find triumph in this lost ocean of cheating men. I am a human being, I am a man and I will get what I deserve dammit!
  • When Women Become Chicks [PART THREE]…
    • Whew!! I feel better how about you? So if your one of the chicks that has gone back to her dim-witted boy (not man) fire me an email explaining why it is your so f**king stupid? Keep in mind I'm gonna be a bit jaded on the subject so I would all but dare you to convince me that you did the right thing. Where is the trust? Where is the jealousy? Where is the Love? (really) Where is the sense of closeness? When you sleep at night do you dream he is with someone else? Do you frequently question you decisions about him and everyone else? Do you end up loosing true friends because he's an ass and you know if you hang out with a different guy he will leave you? (cause god knows we can't have that shit) Ok, f**k it I'm finished I imagine…No wait one more thing. Why would you enthusiastically position yourself back into circumstances like that? (Meaning he f**ked around on your on one occasion…he will do that shit for a second time dumbass)
  • My Gay Soapbox…
    • Before you continue please read this first.

      I would like to state I don't care what it is you think about homosexual matrimony. I think you do what you do and that's kewl with me so long as it doesn't hurt anyone. So the United States Senate Majority leader Bill Frist [TN] can kiss my butt. I wish instead of trying to get everyone to understand me you would only look at this situation the same way we do racial prejudice. A gay man of the now is much the same as a black man of the early 50's.

      We fear what we don't understand and according to "our religion" we think it's wrong. Well I hate to tell you people that this isn't a Christian nation no matter what the Southern Baptist Convention tells you. I ask you this…If I believe religiously something you do not is it not ok for me to marry someone that has my beliefs?? Well damn now that sounded stupid didn’t it? Yeah well the same rule applies here. And I would say shame on those “religious individuals who damn homosexuals. Does not your god tell you to accept others for who they are, no matter what they believe? Are you not bound to take in the drunkard as well as the gay man?

      We really need to stop classifying people and ideals to groups of persecution I’m sick of seeing our nation walk on eggshells to not offend someone but we have no problem standing up and saying teachers should pray in school and gay couples shouldn’t marry. I mean sure it’s obviously ok for me to drink and beat my wife so long as I don’t love a gay man right? By whose moral code do we live? We live by our own moral code. Each person has a set to beliefs that we try and live by. And hey, you know what, that is perfectly fine with me. I’m only asking we open our minds and accept the person no matter their belief. I’m not asking you to agree or disagree with what a man or women thinks; I’m asking only that you see that it really is ok for someone to believe in their own ideals.



      We need to realize this issue is not different from that of segregation of the black community. We just assume that it’s ok to not piss a person off so long as that person has the same belief set we do personally. I’m sorry but you want to know something? It doesn’t work that way my friend. We must not speak about tolerance we need to speak and focus on acceptance. We must understand we are not to tolerate a person because he’s gay we accept him. Now if that guy is a butt-wipe or anything then yeah you can dislike him. I just ask that we stop using profiles as reason for dislike and in most cases hatred.

      What was this country founded on? How have we lived this long? Why can we not get along with our peers? Yeah that’s right the fag down the street is your peer. Rather scares you doesn’t it you homophobe. What I’m really trying to say is plainly this. Let people do what they want to do so long as no one is hurt. I would ask Senator Frist is someone being gay hurts him. Bill, do you bleed every time a lesbian makes love? No I bet instead you get a thrill don’t you? Yeah I mean it is ok to watch it right? Let’s be honest shall we. The only reason your in favor of this bill to become a law is because you are personally disgusted of gay men. If only women were gay than you’d have no problem wouldn’t you?
  • Love Love Love...don't get pissed…
    • Why can't anyone seem to get this right? I mean don't get me wrong I'm just as f--ked up as you are I mean after all I'm in the same game you are. On one hand I have a friend who had what some would deem to be true love and he lost it. One the other hand I have a friend in love with more than one unattainable woman, married or otherwise. I'm gonna rant for a minute so sit back and don't get too mad at me ok.

      I'm first gonna get sappy so bare with me and I'm gonna name names. I'm in love with Angie, that's just the way it is. I fell in love with her in high school which I myself have said, and I'm quoting myself. "High School love isn't real." Oh well this one turned out to be. I've never actually been with her but I love her and she does love me. So what to I do after long periods of miscommunication and ponder? Do I peruse this endeavor?? Yes and no. I have and theoretically I am by pouring myself into this blog entry. She does however know where I stand in this so I don't aggressively peruse it any longer. I would like us to work though it though because the awkward silence is at best unbearable. I know she is as anxious as I am when we speak, so much so I’m all but thunderstruck. So if not to be together as a “couple” at least we should be friends.

      I'm also interested in two other women. One of which would in all probability reject me but I won’t ask her out anyway. Even though he isn't going after her a friend of mine has in a way laid claim to her and I do consign to my bro before any girl so to speak. I don't play that game ever. The other girl has a kid and I don't know if I can do that again. It is tough enough breaking up with someone but when you've bonded with that child it's all that much harder when it's time to leave. Plus I don't know if I can handle it again anyway. I do however like both of these women a great deal. Now in any case in the back of my mind is Angie and even if I went after either of these or any other that isn't fair is it? Well no it's not fair to be thinking of someone else while dating person X. I know that was some of my downfall with Terri. I did sever that relationship but only because she pushed me out. I think maybe she pushed me out because deep down she knew Angie entered my mind on a daily basis. So obviously I must sort that out before going forward in any direction with my love life. See I told you I'm a screwed up as you are.

      Now moving on to the rant at hand... Some people have done it right it would seem. They are together without argument and for that I'm delighted for them. Don't hate these people because your life sucks. And do us all a favor and don't try and f--k it up either. What I mean is this. Stop going after someone that is married. Particularly if they are a little messed up in the love department, don't add temptation and emotional trauma to there already confusion situation. Stop it! I’m not saying I'm not nor have I ever been attracted to an involved women because I have, just please try not to act on it ok. I also know a girl that is not only mistreated by her significant other but she also mistreats him. That isn't healthy at all, and they either need to split or fix it. I don't know which answer is right in general or for them. I don't know if splitting up is or is not your best course of action. I only know what I would do. I think it's time to grow a little and look at the situation you for once.

      And please guys stop thinking your god's gift to women. I mean really I'm serious for one minute here. You can't always get what you think you can and you are not always what you say you are. And believe it or not, not every women in the world wants you. I guess this works both ways but it just seems men are more prone to this stupid behaivor than women. Mostly because men are at the mercy of women and you are god's gifts to us. all of us.

      Back to the sappy for a second. I missed Angie last week when she is in town and I hope she and I can get together over the Christmas holiday. I know she is anxious as am I, but we gotta talk sometime. I miss our useless conversation as well as the true words we speak. I miss just calling her up for no reason. If are just friends again I could do that. After all I do love my friends you know. Did you mean to call me or not? Are you speechless when we talk? Do you want to go on? Where do you want it to go? you know I started off my asking what the right way is? well this alleged "Right Way" doesn't exisit per say. I mean what works for me, when ever I figure it the hell out, may most likely not work for you.

      Pay attention people! I'm asking you to take note to what it is I'm saying. Don't listen to me. Yeah ok I know it's an oxymoron but it's true. I want you to reflect on it, but take it with a grain of salt too. How did this world procreate so competently in the first place? With that said does one stop their own pursuit of life and love? No. I say go for it. What can I promise? Well nothing to be truthful, I cannot guarantee anything will come of it, I cannot say everything will be okay. That's all mysterious, no matter what you believe it's all a risk. But that's what makes it great right? Well ok sometimes it hurts like hell and you end up in the back seat of your dads car knocked up with no where to go, but hey such is existence.

      Listen, learn and try again, just do us all a favor and at least try to sort your life out before courting someone. I know I love a girl that doesn't wholly grasp what she is or has. But I still love her. I know that before I carry on my path down lover’s lane I must sort out my own closet. But I will continue anyway, and I will try to fix my own short comings. This particular rant isn't meant to be negative, more so reflective of myself. I just want people on the Information Super Highway to get a better perceptive of how it is my head works sometimes. With that said go to bed now. Well unless you wanna read on. I do have a few more things to say, but I'm gonna warn you small side tangent detour coming up.

      Have you ever smelled sex? I mean really smelled it? Mine is Raspberry. Have you ever felt love? I mean true unadulterated love? Its ok you if have more than one you know. Truth be known I would say I did love Terri, but I don't think I was in love with Terri. I was conversely in-love with Lauren. (I told you I was gonna name names didn't I) But with those two I can directly say no love has ever been so strong as with Angie from the poem. I mean truly I have thought about her daily for many years, through times of no communiqué, some of which lasted 2 years or more. I do remember the pact she and I made I only wonder if she does. In the end I don't know if I will ever get "over" her. That's why if I can't be with her I want to be friends with her. That to me is the truest of all love. If neither can be arranged I will live and I will go on, but I will be forever left with a void in my heart. Are you still with me or have you stopped reading?

      I wanna go back to soul mates for a moment. I once said you can have more than one soul mate, I still believe that but let me tell you that if you get the chance to be romantically involved with one of your soul mates go for it. To me Angie is that chance. I know you have one too. How does one conclude such a erroneous rambling as this? I'm not sure so what I will do is leave you with one repeated piece of my own personal wisdom and call it a night.

      Be who you are and no one else. Don't listen to your parents, your friends, me or anyone else when it comes to visions of the heart. Listen only to yourself. Don't try so hard to assimilate yourself and don't try so hard to be loved. It will happen. I can't promise that, but I do believe it. I have to. Be good to your significant other and give them your consideration. Be good to yourself and give you some thought. Don't be led by your emotions, but don't be led by your head either. Live life and love life for ever and a day, but remember just don't listen to me in relation to any of that. :) I do love you, believe it or not and I do want to get to know you better. Unlock your heart like a book on the table and let others see what it is that makes you respire. Thanks for taking the time to sift through my mind once again as I use my own words as self therapy. Thanks for listening to me rant and rhyme. Oh and thank you more often than not for opportunity to let me into your heart and mind to become a part of your life each and every day.

      For the first time in a while...

      ~Steve
  • Cognitive Dissonance...
    • Have you ever held a truth so real to you, that there was no question of its significance and connotation? Well I have numerous truths that I feel fit that query, but as of late I’ve either been altering my perceptions or the things around me are shifting at a tempo at which my mind is unwilling or powerless to keep up with. You think you know someone, to discover that at their core you really don’t know them at all. You thought someone else was an enigma, only to realize the reason you held them into question was a masquerade in an attempt to hide an emotion deeper. Now you have a hard time discerning up from down, and its all but impossible to fathom the changes your psyche has to go through to adjust. You think to yourself, had you known then what you know now style questions, only to answer simply. I don’t know. Had you walked a different pathway would your life better or worse? I know how I’d answer that question, in fact I already have, but that’s the conflict I’m speaking about.

      I have, on so many occasion, given my 5 minute self-proclaimed verbal dissertation about life’s 20 second decisions. By now everyone should know how I feel about regrets. I don’t have any, because I wouldn’t be in the position I am today. I would have the job I have, the education I have, and so on. But what happens when the conflict in your mind is so great that even a core truth like that comes into play. What could make you so question the life you’ve led thus far to the point you feel you’ve nearly lost your core identity, all the while no one around seems to notice. You still act the same way, you still believe the same things. You didn’t start lying, but still you know that inside things are different. You feel it deep form within yourself. You know, even if no one else does, that you are different. You turn and become conscious, now yesterday seems only but a distant memory. You’re dreams are becoming more real, or in some cases they are genuine reality. You’ve been called almost premonitional (its a word now) on several occasions, and while its cute and funny at first, you start to comprehend its gravity which frightens you. If you’re not careful enough the lines that serve as boundaries between what is true and what is simply the mind's eye not only blur, but become so indistinct they are virtually gone astray.

      So how does one keep form blurring the lines between reality and fantasy? That, my friend, is an excellent question, one however I not only do not know, but one I fear I may never know. Maybe your choices this far have served you well, not thinking before you act, just jumping right in head first. Now, however you begin to question future decisions, never the old ones as that may open a paradox that not even you could handle. But does not questioning the decisions you make now not bring into play your wisdom on previous life altering choices you’ve made? Or does this merely represent the evolution of your higher cognitive thinking? The seemingly natural progression of your mind, body, and spirit.

      All of this seemingly leaves us with but one question; What does all of this really mean? The answer is simple; I am who I am from then until now, but tomorrow I may not be who I am today. My identity has been forever changed, marked by my life until now, so I take the next step into a tomorrow that exists only to server more questions, and I must say I wouldn’t have it any other way. I enjoy the state of Cognitive Dissonance my mind is seemingly in. Its become my apparent way of dealing with new inabilities to be truly objective on matters of my heart. Thanks for taking the time to read it I appreciate the audience.

      .rev
 

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